R The recovery from addiction is different for everyone. In my case, heroin abstinence didn't work. No medication either.
Anonymous meetings, which often felt like an excuse for telling war stories, only gave me cravings. I am also too scientific to believe in higher powers. And I often fought with my so-called sponsor. For me, Narcotics Anonymous was just a place where religious theories were discussed, not a cure or anything useful.
Suboxone, I found deprived me of the ability to feel joy; Subutex prevented me from sleeping at night. As for methadone … well, I couldn't wake up in time for one of the nearby clinics.
Therefore, none of the common methods worked for me for more than a few weeks or months. I would spend far too much time – sobbing hysterically, missing drugs – and completing orders rarely on time. Freelance writers cannot afford to be dark, depressed wrecks. If I don't write a certain number of articles every week, I can't buy groceries or pay my rent.
I started losing money and eating unhealthily. Finally I realized that I was happier and healthier than I used to be.
So at the age of 19 and after more than a year of trying to quit, I stopped forcing myself to be sober. Instead, I decided to focus on staying as healthy and stable as possible and continuing to inject heroin. I'm 20 now. So far my plan has worked. People may choose to reject my story because of my age, but most drug use of any kind is unproblematic . In my case, I don't use heroin just for fun. It serves a purpose.
Opioids made me really happy for the first time in my life.
I have been suffering from insomnia, depression and occasional breakdown since I was in preschool. The stress of living with a mentally ill mother (she suffers from severe anxiety and occasional delusions) only made matters worse.
I spent most of my childhood getting from doctor to doctor. Nobody seemed to know what was wrong with me. Most recommended a variety of heavy medication. In various places since primary school, I have taken everything from antipsychotics, antidepressants, lithium to Latuda. Some of them made me sick, weak, or confused . I once missed three school months when a drug (Abilify) gave me a movement disorder called late dyskinesia. This particular condition made my face twitch and my legs cramp; Without help I couldn't climb stairs or go far.
It took 18 years for all of these supposed experts to realize that I had autism. – no personality disorder. That means my brain is built differently. I wasn't sick. Of course, the medication didn't help, so they decided to drop me off.
I am still not quite sure why I first opted for opioids at the age of 18. Maybe boredom? Have I tried to cure my insomnia with a sleep-inducing drug? Or maybe I had realized that the calming substance would help me to deal with my friend – a 33-year-old crawler that my parents somehow seemed to like and who did it quickly Transition from teasing to abusive. On the other hand, I might need help to ignore my mother's bizarre, hysterical abuse.
Worn library copies of Fight Club Trainspotting and Murder on the Orient Express started to stink after burnt film.
Whether I was looking for peace and quiet, survival in a tense environment, or a "cure" for my madness, I immediately discovered one thing: opioids made my life really happy for the first time in my life.
Pure joy was nothing I had ever known. So I spent most of the summer – my first post-high school – smoking heroin and reading paperbacks. Worn library copies of Fight Club Trainspotting and Murder on the Orient Express began after being burned Stink foil.
The drugs and pills appeared to be harmless and benign – especially when compared to any medication that was prescribed for me. They just made me tired happily and took away my worries.
In hindsight, I feel ashamed now that I know more about addiction and addiction (two very different things, contrary to popular belief). Even stupid. In retrospect, I was clearly physically dependent after the first two months. And if I hadn't used it daily in this first phase, I might not have gotten stuck.
But addiction just didn't seem likely at the time. After all, I did not inject . Smoking heroin seemed so trivial. And it kept me from feeling bad or upset when my friend mocked or groped me. When my mother screamed or threatened to kill myself for no reason, I did not cry. Dope was a buffer that protected me from toxic "friends" and other problems. I stopped having meltdowns. I didn't want to die any longer.
Paradoxically I felt wonderful free while using it. Although I soon felt strange when I tried to take a break from smoking. Chronic opioids also cause severe constipation. By the end of summer, I couldn't even eat a small salad without a sharp, sudden stomachache. That's why I got cold for the first time in late August. I felt sick for a week, rarely slept, and cried often. Compared to future detoxifications, it wasn't that bad.
Could I use heroin in a sustainable way – one that maximizes the benefits while minimizing risks and harm?
As my life evolved – College courses, cutting my ex out of my life, moving out of the family home, starting my journalistic career – Heroin, which I soon injected, was always a key factor.
My many attempts at abstinence – through inpatient rehab, outpatient rehab, NA, AA, trips to avoid my dealer, to replace heroin with ballet or painting – ended in a relapse. The drugs worked better, but none completely replaced what heroin gave me, and the side effects often prevented me from doing anything.
When I started reading about harm reduction, an alternative idea started to form. What if despite the stigma against heroin and the negatives it brought into my life, giving up this drug didn't have to be my goal? Could I instead use heroin in a sustainable way – one that maximizes the benefits while minimizing risks and harm?
Productivity would not be a problem. Until then I had learned to write high and work. I could even take ballet classes if I took a small enough dose. I also found that heroin is not too expensive, although I am a freelance writer and filmmaker, far from a lucrative career path. Fortunately, my habit has never cost me more than $ 10 or less a day, which is about $ 250 a month.
I started writing heroin on my monthly budget and focused on being extremely careful. I usually buy a few bags on the way home from Trader Joe earlier this week. Stocking up on a Monday is far more efficient than scoring every day.
The monetization of some of my hobbies – mainly my upcycling bottle art and pop culture images – made things even easier . It helps that I'm not a big donor anyway, buy affordable groceries, and rarely buy clothes. My heroin doesn't cost more than certain friends' alcohol or movie habits. I can continue to work comfortably and avoid being in debt.
heroin myself I began to recognize, is not the problem. It is only a chemical that is very sympathetic – and illegal and fatal when is ingested in large quantities or combined with others Substances. People talk about heroin because they could talk about a dangerous animal. It's the "worst drug of all," they say. But is it really like that?
Remember that “heroin-assisted treatment” through which healthcare providers regularly administer pharmaceutical-grade heroin to patients is available in a number of countries around the world World with excellent health Results.
Why Do Some People With Opioid Addiction Become Dysfunctional? Often because they run out of money and start doing desperate things for drugs. A person who relies on heroin but can afford the drug, ensures their care and stays healthy, is likely to be fine.
In an environment where heroin is illegal, you need to take many precautions to protect yourself. It is natural to find ways to obtain and use heroin that reduce the likelihood of arrest – and a privilege that is much more available to some sections of the population than others.
From a health perspective, it is highly advisable to test your product for the fentanyl recommended by the illegal market, and using it with another trustworthy person present is less risky than using it alone. It is also important to purchase naloxone and avoid needles being shared or reused.
Injecting drugs in an unregulated environment is risky. If I make a mistake, I can develop or suffocate an infection. That is why I am working on taking all precautions – including ensuring that my general health is as good as possible. I try to eat well and cook meals with fresh ingredients. I eat fruits and vegetables and take over-the-counter fiber to combat constipation caused by opioids. I try to avoid salt and processed foods. – m The veins are already beaten up enough, I think.
You cannot allow heroin to become your wife and your life and everything. – We don't have to live in a Velvet underground song (thank goodness).
I also train almost every day and stay in shape to daily walks and ballet-inspired workouts. Caring for my body helps my circulatory system and reduces my risk of illness. I've actually built muscle since I changed my mindset from "must stop no matter what it costs" to "staying as healthy as possible while it makes the most sense".
But physical health is only part of it. You also can't let heroin become your wife and your life and everything. – We don't have to live in a Velvet underground song (thank goodness). An old-fashioned common sense applies – “All things in moderation and moderation in all things”, as my father likes to say. Let your life revolve around something one thing is not healthy.
Unrelated hobbies really help. In my free time I dance, collage, read, cook, paint, embroider and write. Of course, my art sometimes refers to heroin, but I try not to become obsessed. Yes, I'm addicted to diacetylmorphine, but that doesn't mean that I let it go my whole life.
In this sense, it is also important to have friends who do not use them. It's not fun or not healthy to just hang out with friends who do this. Diversity makes life much more interesting. None of my roommates does H, and I think that helps me not to go too far.
Unlike my early honeymoon with the drug, it is certainly not pleasant or pleasant to be addicted to heroin. It's a damn annoyance indeed. I am not here to recommend anyone to use opioids without prescription. But I've learned to live with heroin in a way that makes sense to me.
A large number of people who use heroin do not resemble these “junkie” stereotypes anyway, and we have to remember that. And "recovery" – in which I include myself – looks different for each of us. And that's okay.
Photo by Zachary Drucker about The Gender Spectrum Collection